I think all houseplant care guides (including the little stakes they put in the soil when you buy one) should also include the expected lifespan of the plant. Not its flowers, the plant.
I feel like I’m left wondering if I killed the plant or if it was just its time way too often.
Also, it’d just be nice to know if the plant I’m buying will live for two more years or two more weeks
TOMATO ADVICE BLOG’S TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE TO “DID I KILL THIS HOUSEPLANT?” BASED ON MY TIME AS A RETAIL GREENHOUSE WORKER:
1. Look up if it’s an annual, biannual or perennial first. Most houseplants are (supposed to be) perennials, but there are a few annuals/bianuals that get sold as houseplants. Amaryllis can survive for many years if properly potted and you have the mandate of heaven on your side, but they are annuals. That said, even an annual should live at least 5-6 months at minimum.
2. If it died very suddenly (like “looked kinda sad one day, worse the next and wholly deceased on day 3”) a couple weeks after you got it? Not your fault. It was already infected with a greenhouse fungus when you got it, and there was nothing you could do for it.
Greenhouse fungi are extremely common and effect the majority of retail plants sold in the US: they spread virulently through greenhouses AND can infect any plants transported with them, and plants transported in the same truck afterwards. Outdoor plants have more resilience against them because other microrhyzal fungal colonies in their outdoor pots or garden beds will protect the plants, but houseplants are kind of screwed.
You can take a swing at mitigating this by immediately repotting any houseplants you receive with dirt from a pot/garden bed/part of the yard that has other plants actively growing in it (remove.other plants before putting that dirt in with your houseplant), and putting your houseplants outside when the weather is warm, but it’s often a lot cause by the time you receive the plant.
Greenhouse fungi infections are the #1 killer of retail houseplants in my experience.
3. If your plant dies EXTREMELY suddenly, like “fine last night and dead this morning” something in the building it’s kept in poisoned it.
Likely culprits: cats peeing in the dirt, small children pouring soda in there (sugar aggravates any infection it might have), shitty coworkers pouring coffee in there, and accidentally hitting it with a cleaning spray while you were sanitizing the kitchen counters.
4. If it dies very slowly over the course of a couple of weeks within a year of you getting it, I’m afraid you probably killed it. The two main ways people kill houseplants are
A) Over Watering. How to fix it: keep your plant pots in a large, high-sided, no- drainage container like a large Tupperware or boot tray. Once a week (twice when AND ONLY WHEN it gets to be +80 farenheit in the room where the plant lives) fill the container with an inch or two of water, and let the plants absorb it through the bottoms of their pots, AND DO NOT DEVIATE FROM THIS SCHEDULE. If you must deviate, err on the side of under-watering them, that’s a lot easier for a plant to recover from.
B) Not Enough Light. Most houseplants are tropical understory plants because those are the only ones that will tolerate the “Total Shade” level of ambient light in most houses. Succulents, cacti and most woody houseplants are not understory plants. They need 8-12 hours full spectrum light, and most glass that windows are made of block a large part of the spectrum they need. Get some grow lights. You can use the purple ones as fun night lights for your house that won’t mess up your vision or sleep cycle when you get up in the middle of the night!
C) Not “common” but often enough: over-feeding. Potting soil does not need that much amending, and adding plant food to fresh potting soil will scorch the roots. Don’t.
5. If your perennial plant that was thriving suddenly dies after three years, ESPECIALLY if it was an orchid: not your fault! The way that many greenhouse plants are grown is FUCKED.
Orchids in particular are doomed: orchids are heavily specialized and extremely dependent on microrhyzal fungi to stay alive. Like, parasitically dependent. As in, orchids make literally millions of microscopic seeds in hopes that one will land somewhere that has the extremely specific species of tropical fungus that orchid can hack to stay alive. Because the orchid’s fungal needs are so key and so specific, greenhouse orchids are grown in a way that dooms them to tragically brief lifespans.
Greenhouse orchids are grown in sterile conditions by placing the seeds in agar and pumping them full of growth hormones and food tailored to that species exact needs (that’s why there’s only a couple dozen commercially sold orchids of the tens of thousands of species in the family), and continue pumping them full of their specific super food until they’re large enough to be sold, and they’re usually sold with Orchid Food.
Imagine growing a baby in a test tube, but the baby’s immune system comes from bacteria it would be exposed to in uetero, so your lab baby has no immune system, so you feed it shitloads of vitamins to prop it up against infections. How long do you think that baby would survive outside of the lab, even if it’s keeper kept up the vitamin regimen?
In the case of most orchids, about three years.
You CAN make an attempt to save your doomed bubble baby. You can go outside, find SEVERAL places full of vigorous and lively plants, pull up one of those plants (preferably one that doesn’t regerminate from severed roots, like thistles) knock the handful of dirt that comes up with it into your collection of Very Alive Plant Dirts, and repot your orchid in a well-drained pot with that mixture and some orchid soil. IF YOU ARE EXTREMELY LUCKY, there will be a microrhyzal fungus in your wild dirt samples that is close enough to your orchid’s host species that it will be able to accept it as it’s new immune system. This is literally a one-in-a-million shot, but I *have* seen it work, and the rescued orchids live for DECADES.
I love that I share my house with one of the most efficient apex predators millions of years of evolution could produce. I love that two of nature’s most prolific machines met and were like “hmmm. We should lay around and do nothing together”. Now we’re both fat and happy and full of meat. The hedonism of it all
Humans keeping cats and dogs as family members is like three prodigy assassins being introduced in the back of a shady nightclub and 45 minutes later they’re 6 crunchwrap supremes deep passing a blunt in the back of a shag carpeted Volkswagen microbus rating Oreo varietals by fuckability
tumblr users have the unique ability to string together sentences never before seen in all of human history and yet they conjure up such specific visceral imagery that you can’t help but be a little in awe. and i think that’s beautiful
Odd, restless day, full of little random things that have been cleaned or scheduled or picked up or dropped off or put off to do some other day. And now I'm sleepy and somewhat empty of words. But I also booked a ticket to fulfill a very, very long-standing dream and in early August will be going on a shark-spotting excursion with the North Atlantic White Shark Conservancy.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be more coherent, less sleepy, less anxious, more interesting or some other thing entirely that involves being able to put words into an entry instead of this endless and vexing cycle of typing and deleting. Stay tuned, I guess?
Feeling despair over the general state of things? Blorbo from your shows not enough to hold the horrors at bay? Need something healthier to be insane about? Need to go outside more?
Want to become a pokemon trainer like you dreamed of when you were ten?
It’s a fun little app that lets you use your phone to identify birds by song. You hear a song, open the app, let it listen for a moment and it tells you what the hell is making that noise (if it’s a bird), and shows you a picture of the little feathery bastards, so you can squint at the surrounding shrubbery with a better idea of WHAT you’re looking for.
After thinking “Man, I wish I had that app to ID that lovely bird song!” and then completely forgetting that I wanted to do that by the time I got back to WiFi approximately five million times, I have finally managed to install it.
Friends.
I am becoming a pokemon trainer.
This is very literally like the Pokemon anime where Ash would find some godforsaken beast in the shrubbery and immediately whip out his Pokedex to Identify it. I will be out walking the dogs and will hear… Something? And now I can find out what the hell it is! Curiosity immediately rewarded!
And that’s one hell of a dopamine hit.
You can increase the immersion into the pokemon trainer by also having Dogs ™ with you. It’s like having a starter pokemon, if your starter refused to go in the ball and was less keen on battling wild pokemon so much as generally yelling at, attempting to micromanage, or just straight-up eating them.
My dogs (functionally an off-brand Houndoom and Yamper-if-it-was-a-psychic-type) are thrilled that they’re getting this much walkies, if somewhat confused by my stopping on the trail at random intervals to wave my phone around. They’re Very Excited by me taking new, circuitous routes around the lake to get closer to trees and bushes to pick up songs because my phone was old when the pandemic started and the mic sucks. I’m pretty sure it’s a matter of time before one or both of them figure out that I’m following birdsong and then I’ll really be up shit creek because they fucking LOVE going on a hunt for something, and know that if they alert at something correctly at least a few times, I’ll believe them when they pretend to alert at something. Like say, pretending they hear another bird, no I promise it’s real you’re just a comparatively deaf-ass human no I’m not trying to extend walkies how could you say that-
FURTHERMORE, Merlin Bird ID will keep a life list for you.
That’s right.
You can put Birds in your Pokedex to fill it out.
And boy fucking howdy does my autistic ass love collecting things/completing sets, and that “congratulations, new lifer!” Thing lights up my brain like nothing else. I saw a blue grosbeak for the first time ever last night because the app told me ITS BLUE LOOK FOR SOMETHING BLUE!! AND BEHOLD, IT WAS THE BLUEST OF BIRDS!! I sailed through breakfast with my in-laws, a normally harrowing experience, on that high and I’m still going.
Granted, once the Blue Grossbeak took off and I was released from its enchantment, I realized that Herschel was rolling in half of a dessicated fish carcass while Charleston was attempting to work down the other half at speed, but that’s just the joy of pet ownership.
…what I need to do now is figure out how to enter birds I can see that are not making noise into the list. There’s so many ducks here, and all of them shut the hell up whenever the hounds and I are near.
Go insane in a way that makes you go outside and touch grass!
Okay, so, entering birds that you see rather than hear! You have three options:
Take a photo, the app will give the best guess it can as to what the bird is. It’s surprisingly good, I have taken some horrible photos where I knew the bird and it still got them right.
Use the Step by Step “what colour is it, where was it, is it bigger than x” questions guide. Pretty solid, can be a bit of a faff if you’re not sure or if the bird is Not Where It’s Supposed To Be.
If you know exactly what the bird is and just want to record it, there’s a search bar on the Explore tab. There’s also a list of Likely Birds In Your Area for lazy scrolling purposes.
I’m glad that I’m not the only one who made the Pokemon comparison, me and the Husbeast now go on walks where he’s running Pokemon Go and I’m running Merlin and the commentary from both of us is pretty much the same…
Feeling despair over the general state of things? Blorbo from your shows not enough to hold the horrors at bay? Need something healthier to be insane about? Need to go outside more?
Want to become a pokemon trainer like you dreamed of when you were ten?
It’s a fun little app that lets you use your phone to identify birds by song. You hear a song, open the app, let it listen for a moment and it tells you what the hell is making that noise (if it’s a bird), and shows you a picture of the little feathery bastards, so you can squint at the surrounding shrubbery with a better idea of WHAT you’re looking for.
After thinking “Man, I wish I had that app to ID that lovely bird song!” and then completely forgetting that I wanted to do that by the time I got back to WiFi approximately five million times, I have finally managed to install it.
Friends.
I am becoming a pokemon trainer.
This is very literally like the Pokemon anime where Ash would find some godforsaken beast in the shrubbery and immediately whip out his Pokedex to Identify it. I will be out walking the dogs and will hear… Something? And now I can find out what the hell it is! Curiosity immediately rewarded!
And that’s one hell of a dopamine hit.
You can increase the immersion into the pokemon trainer by also having Dogs ™ with you. It’s like having a starter pokemon, if your starter refused to go in the ball and was less keen on battling wild pokemon so much as generally yelling at, attempting to micromanage, or just straight-up eating them.
My dogs (functionally an off-brand Houndoom and Yamper-if-it-was-a-psychic-type) are thrilled that they’re getting this much walkies, if somewhat confused by my stopping on the trail at random intervals to wave my phone around. They’re Very Excited by me taking new, circuitous routes around the lake to get closer to trees and bushes to pick up songs because my phone was old when the pandemic started and the mic sucks. I’m pretty sure it’s a matter of time before one or both of them figure out that I’m following birdsong and then I’ll really be up shit creek because they fucking LOVE going on a hunt for something, and know that if they alert at something correctly at least a few times, I’ll believe them when they pretend to alert at something. Like say, pretending they hear another bird, no I promise it’s real you’re just a comparatively deaf-ass human no I’m not trying to extend walkies how could you say that-
FURTHERMORE, Merlin Bird ID will keep a life list for you.
That’s right.
You can put Birds in your Pokedex to fill it out.
And boy fucking howdy does my autistic ass love collecting things/completing sets, and that “congratulations, new lifer!” Thing lights up my brain like nothing else. I saw a blue grosbeak for the first time ever last night because the app told me ITS BLUE LOOK FOR SOMETHING BLUE!! AND BEHOLD, IT WAS THE BLUEST OF BIRDS!! I sailed through breakfast with my in-laws, a normally harrowing experience, on that high and I’m still going.
Granted, once the Blue Grossbeak took off and I was released from its enchantment, I realized that Herschel was rolling in half of a dessicated fish carcass while Charleston was attempting to work down the other half at speed, but that’s just the joy of pet ownership.
…what I need to do now is figure out how to enter birds I can see that are not making noise into the list. There’s so many ducks here, and all of them shut the hell up whenever the hounds and I are near.
“came back wrong” but it’s food that you heated up in the microwave
OK SO
For anyone who hasn’t heard my Microwave Rant:
Microwaves are designed to be used at a broad range of power levels. If you’re getting bad results reheating your food, and you’re doing everything on full blast, try a lower power setting! 50% power for twice the time, just give it a shot. It gives the heat time to spread evenly, and prevents overcooking of parts that are exposed to more radiation.
People complain about reheated pizza a lot – that’s bc overheating the crust makes it tough and chewy. I usually do pizza on 30% power for THREE times as long because it’s especially vulnerable – and my crust always comes out nice and tender.
I think there’s a good metaphor for Came Back Wrong here too: if you actually take the time to do your necromantic ritual and/or unholy experiment right, and don’t rush it at 100% power, you’re likely to get better results.
Since reading this post and following its advice, my microwaved good comes out so much better.
Since reading this post a d following its advice, my necromantic rituals have come out so much better.
Never realised how cursed kangaroos were until last night. I’m camping and ¾ of my tent is surrounded by bush which must’ve freaked out the local wildlife. Waking up in the middle of the black night to the sound of HOPPING and shuffling outside your tent then a little nose loudly sniffing right near your head is a uniquely horrifying experience. Totally forgot I was Australian for good minute and thought I was going to be taken by something from the Blair Witch Project before I remember kangaroos exist
I’ve informed by our camping neighbours that one of the animals ruffling near my tent last night, keeping me up, was actually a bandicoot
THIS motherfucker
When I was a kid my elderly neighbor called up my house at like 10pm to tell us that she caught our pet rabbit in her yard, and that she must have escaped.
We get out of bed and go over and she hands us a live bandicoot, barehanded. Just. Holding him like Simba, hands under his little arms.
This happened multiple times a month. We would be like. Are you sure it’s our black lop-eared bunny? She would say yes it’s definitely the rabbit. Nope. Unnaturally patient bandicoot again. Being held like a little baby. Visibly brown and pointy.
She was upset at us for letting our rabbit get into her vegetable garden and would not accept that he was a wild animal owned by no one, that ate insects not cabbage. We showed her the rabbit. No. We showed her his teeth. No. The cabbages had been eaten by something (snails, also shown to her) so it must be our rabbit, the bandicoot. If we didn’t go pick him up she would put him in the bathtub and bring him over in the morning. Could not convince her that he wasn’t a pet.
We named him Bruce and just released him into our yard every time because we were worried she would put him in the hutch with the rabbit if we didn’t, and we didn’t know what the rabbit would do.
Pretty sure it was the same one every time because apparently she would just walk over and pick him up off the ground and everything. No traps no gloves.
“nothing is real atoms never touch each other youve never touched anything in your life” ok. well when i pet my dog he is soft and when he licks my hand it is wet and that is far more real to me than whatevers going on at an atomic level
what my atoms are doing is their fucking business man i’m busy trying to stop my dog from eating tissues directly out of the box
nuclei don’t touch, but the nucleus is not the core of reality. reality is made of electrons dancing. reality is made of bonds.
you pet your dog and the atoms that are you brush up against the atoms that are him, and the electrons that are you press into the electrons that are him, and both of them change their movement.
electrons of course are not really particles and do not really move.
you pet your dog and the electron-orbitals of your skin overlap with the electron-orbitals of his fur, and both are changed by the contact. you are not made of little motes floating alone in a void. you are a single unfathomable chord formed of a trillion vibrations, and so is he. and the note you play is changing at every moment by what you touch and how you breathe, and so is his. and atoms do not really have edges, and to touch is to interact, and when you put your hand on your dog the universe does not know that you are separate. the song expands to hold you both.
and when you put your hand on your dog the universe does not know that you are separate. the song expands to hold you both.
having anti punitive justice morals sucks because you want to say “man that guy sucks he should get hit with hammers until he dies” but you also want to make it clear you don’t think anyone should be put in charge of the ‘hit people with hammers until they die" machine.
Oh good, now I don’t have to go searching for the link. You could say the dog was so consumed by the artwork that he wanted to devour it. I’m gifting myself a second–NOT for sharing